A bumpy ride

As a child looking at my future self, I don't know what I saw myself doing. I think I thought it was going to be easy and that I would be married by now and that life would just flow without being difficult or confusing or crappy. I think I wouldn't have necessarily viewed the future as I see it now. Living in a shoebox in a shithole apartment, eating overpriced pizza and worrying every time I used my atm card that it would get rejected because of lack of funds. I guess I didn't necessarily see myself struggling to make something of myself in the profession that I love and hate at the same time--always feeling like I had to prove myself and always feeling like I wasn't doing enough even when I don't know how to do more. I didn't see myself struggling to get down a beer on a date, struggling to get past date 2, past a kiss, past whatever comes after and somehow into something meaningful. Something meaningful is impossible to come by.

Sometimes I feel like i'm just in the waiting line for something miraculous and amazing and life changing to happen. When am I going to feel like I'm on the right path. Fine, I may have the occasional bout of de ja vu, but does that mean I am going the right way?

I do think that in life everything has a way of working out how it is supposed to and I know I'll look back on my life in London as something beautiful, hard, and life changing. So why now, do I only feel like it is a struggle? How long will I be struggling until I feel like I'm in the right place? So many unanswerable questions. I don't want the status quo. I don't want to feel like i'm going to poor for the rest of my life. There are moments of clarity and laughter in between nights of contemplation. I feel guilty for complaining when I know that life is beautiful. I know. I know it is. And despite all the struggling, it is worth the feeling when I get something I am proud of published in print. That feeling, in and of itself, is priceless. It's worth it when I meet that person that makes me weak in the knees ... as hard as he is to find. It's worth it when despite living in a tiny shoe box with three others, I realize I have met amazing individuals because of said shoebox. Life is full of surprises. I guess all we can do is keep breathing and stop waiting in line for something, anything miraculous to happen, and rather enjoy the ride. Cheesy? Maybe, but true. Thus, I am done complaining from now on. I wish that was true. I have a hard time just enjoying the ride because I'm always worrying about my future. Is that the curse of being a twenty-something going through a quarter-life crisis? Perhaps. Everything is temporary and I think it is important to remember that when I am feeling down about a current situation. Maybe even, try and enjoy it.