The Debt of Happiness

I'm trying my hardest not to think about the debt that this recent trip has put me in. I've never been in so much debt in my entire life. Currently, the only way I have to pay them back is via unemployment checks, which are so small, I can't even live off them. Concurrently, thinking about moving to London and going to grad school brings my mind into an even more stress full yet excited place. Instead of a few thousand, we're talking 50,000 dollars or more. I feel like money has never been a huge issue in my life, but I'm finally feeling the stress and weight of debt in my life. I'm an adult. I no longer get to write about finding solace on tropical beaches, hiking up temples in Cambodia, or spending nights in sketchy guest houses while having the time of my life. At least for now. My life today, at home in California, is all about being poor and dealing with the debt I put myself in by having this time of my life. Experiences are amazing and I've had a shitload of life-changing ones that I will be forever grateful for, but maybe, just maybe I've reached a point, where I need to start making monetarily smart decisions instead of just spontaneous ones that provide me with amazing memories. I've always thought the latter, until I got to this point.

I hate that I just said that. I think I take it back. I've always been a firm believer in traveling for the sake of traveling. For the sake of opening your eyes to other cultures, other beliefs, other people, other views on the world. It's been amazing and I don't regret it. The debt is shit. The debt stresses me out. But, at the end of the day, I have those memories. I will always be able to say when I was twenty-six years old I tubed down a river in Laos and met some of the coolest people I've ever met, I fell in love with some Cambodian children on a beach in Sihanoukaville and wished I could take them home with me, I felt chills down my spine and salty tears down my face at The Killing Fields in Phnom Penh, I spent my twenty-sixth birthday in Saigon amidst new friends and old ones, I've been on more overnight buses than I care to admit, stayed in shit holes that I never thought I could handle. I wore the same outfit almost everyday for four months. I learned to appreciate the little things in life, I learned that I don't need a fancy outfit and makeup to feel beautiful; I actually prefer to be in a sundress and flip flops on the beach than in heels any day. I learned to find solace in myself, by myself. I learned I am happiest when I am free. I am stronger, smarter, more worldly, more confident, more spontaneous, more independent, and for the rest of my life, I will take this experience with me, wherever I go. As I sit in front of a computer in another cubicle, in another office, I will know and understand what it feels like to truly be happy. I learned so many things that money can't even attempt to quantify. I couldn't buy these experiences. The debt that I am in will someday go away, these memories will hopefully never. Just because my trip is over doesn't mean I ever have to stop learning from it, or believing in my ability to be happy again. I know I can be, I know I will be, and that gives me hope, if nothing else. Things can only get better and I'm grateful for what I have received. I've gotten to travel more than most people I know. I've experienced completely different worlds and I don't think I'm ever ready to truly stop.

I know I have a hard time being happy in where I am at, but I'm trying. I'm grateful and thankful for everything that life has given me. I have an amazing life. I have the most amazing family, my friends are the best friends in the world. There isn't a day that goes by that I take that for granted. I know I'll be OK. I am OK. Hopefully soon, I'll be more than just OK.