It's been two days. Two days since ha gao and shu mai and shopping to my heart's content in SOHO (Hong Kong's not New York). Two days since Victoria Peak and antique shopping on Cat street. I loved Hong Kong. Now, I'm home, in California, and it's strange. Strange, not in a good way. I had a panic attack/epiphany mid sleep on the plane ride home where I dreamed of Laos and tubing in Vang Vieng, then I woke up a little startled and teary eyed and realized, It's over. My amazing trip is done, and now I'm on a plane home back to everything I left. Back to job searching, apartment hunting, working, and all the responsibility that comes with it. It's real life. It's reality, and it's what I have to do, regardless of how much I don't want to.
I miss traveling already. It's only been two days and my heart aches when I look at photos from my trip. I miss not knowing where the hell I was going to wake up the next morning, or where I was headed the next day. I miss the boundless opportunities of friendship and knowing that your next travel friend might be sitting right next to you on the bus, or at the bar next door. I haven't seen any of my friends yet. I want to. I really do, I love them. I need to get over myself. I need to get my ass out of bed and stop being depressed because my trip is over. I should just be grateful that I ever got to have it. I need to realize that real life, sometimes, has to be like this. I can't travel forever, and even if I could, I know myself and I need a home base. I think the scariest thing is that I don't have a job and I don't have an apartment, and basically, I feel like I have to start from scratch. It's kind of an intense thing to realize. It's like getting laid off and realizing the world is at your fingertips. I don't feel like I should, nor do I want to, hide behind a desk for the rest of my life. There are so many opportunities out there, I just need to find them.
I truly think that the reason people get stuck in places they hate, relationships they hate, and jobs they hate is because they are too scared to change it. Too scared to take a risk that might be a bad decision. Too comfortable in hating, too comfortable in the mundane. I want to go past that. I don't ever want to make another decision out of fear or laziness. Fear especially. I want to be brave. I want to take risks and I want to do things that are new and scary instead of always, the status quo. My trip has taught me to be brave. That sometimes, even though you have no idea what the outcome will be, being spontaneous and actually doing what you always wanted to do is worth the risk. It's worth the outcome, because at the end of the day, you'll realize that you did something for yourself. You didn't do it because that's what you thought you had to do, or what your parents wanted you to do, or what your friends think you should do. At the end of the day, it's yours. This trip will always be mine. I'll always have the experience as something beautiful and amazing that I decided to do with my life. I gave up my apartment, potentials for jobs, and a life in San Francisco to travel for four months. Now, I'm paying the consequences -- no money, no job, no apartment. But, it was worth every second. Every penny. Every risk. I don't regret a thing.
Now, I just need to learn to move on, take the experience that I had, learn from it, and use it for my future. I admit that I have often had a hard time letting go of beautiful experiences. After I came back from Spain, I was distraught and depressed for months. I couldn't let go of the experience and I compared everything to Barcelona. All I wanted to do was go back. I still want to go back, to be honest. After Japan, it took me a long time to accept that I was no longer there. I regretted leaving. It's only now, that I really realize that I left for a reason and everything happened the way it was fated. Now, I've found myself, for the past two days, bundled in my bed (which is heavenly) and sulking. I should be out seeing my friends and doing fun things, but a part of me just wants to sleep and dream of tubing in Van Vieng, beach hopping in Thailand, and temple climbing in Cambodia. That's depression talking. When you are more inclined to dream than do fun things in real life, something needs to change. I keep telling myself I just need a few days to adjust, to get used to things, so for now, I'm cutting myself a break. It's only my second day, after all, and I feel like I'm breaking up with a boyfriend of four months. You can't get over that overnight.
I feel bad that I'm not overly-enthusiastic to be home. I love being with my family and I'm excited to see my friends and I don't want them to think they aren't important. I feel guilty almost, like I should be really happy to be home again and I know they are all excited for me to be back. Maybe it's not fair, but it's just how I feel at the moment. Sometimes it's hard to realize that while you've been away on a life changing adventure, everyone else has been working there ass off doing the same shit they were doing four months ago. Not much has changed, just yourself. I've changed a lot and maybe I'm scared to get back into the old San Francisco routine. Maybe I'm scared that after all this, it just won't feel right. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe, just maybe, I've come to realize, I want something different. I dunno, I guess only time will tell. After all, it's only been two days. Heartbreak can only be cured with time.
