A Word With my Heart in Hanoi

It's been a while since I've written. I feel wretched that I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but I've been majorly preoccupied with traveling, drinking, and the like. Too much drinking, too much of "the like." I need a break. We are in Hanoi now, staying at the Hanoi Backpackers Hostel which is the most fun I've had on the entire trip, but also the most cliche thing I've done on this entire trip. It's the ubiquitous frat-party, playing ground of twenty-something backpackers, getting trashed every night off fishbowls of vodka red bull, hooking up with other drunk travelers like it's their day job, and hanging around in circles conversing about their epic Asian adventures. Needless to say it's a blast, but I think I need to get out of here and stop making a drunken fool of myself. Good thing we leave tomorrow for Luang Prabang, Laos.

From Hoi An we went to Hue, which was interesting but semi boring. After coming from beautiful, romantic, enchanting Hoi An, I was disjointed in Hue. We saw the Forbidden City which had nothing on the one in Beijing, took a few cyclo rides at 2 a.m., stayed at the DMZ hotel which was attached to the DMZ restaurant/bar which served exorbitantly expensive drinks and mediocre cheeseburgers. We met some cool travelers, hung out with them for a night and then made our way via overnight bus to Hanoi.

In Hanoi, we decided to take the Halong Bay two night/three day boat tour that the hostel provided. I expected a booze cruise of sorts, full of other alcohol consuming backpackers and hippies, but never expected the views to be so spectacular. From the hostel, Denny and I met Daniel--a lone traveler born in Texas who is now a San Franciscan transplant. We also met a group of hilarious and fun girls named Misty, Emily and Ally--Emily and Ally also from San Francisco. The group of us had a blast on the boat and made the typical plans of hanging out after the trip is over in San Francisco. We are trying to meet Daniel in Cambodia in a few weeks; I hope it happens because he's a seriously legit dude. Legit.

The first day, we took a four hour bus ride to Halong where we got on a beautiful dark-wooden boat that we would be staying the night on. There were thrity-something of us and immediately we all started talking, sippin beer, and hanging out as the boat made it's way through the gigantic rock formations that encapsulated us on every side. Halong Bay is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been, hands down. Every five seconds I would look at Denny or Daniel and just say, this is amazing, this is unreal, I can't believe we are here right now. It's one of those places that just pulls at your heart strings and makes you want to cry because you can't believe you can be this lucky to see something so beautiful. It made me feel so, so grateful to be alive--to be traveling, to be able to see one of the worlds natural wonders, and just to be a part of it all with new and old friends.

In the past three weeks I have had so many moments of clarity amongst the drunken haziness, so many moments of deja vu which always freaks me out a bit but makes me think that this trip was fated in my destiny. There have been so many "wow" moments where I just realize that I am really living for the first time in a long time, I am truly happy, and that there are endless opportunities in this world for me. I can live anywhere. I can say fuck it to San Francisco and move to Hanoi and work at a hostel, like so many others I have met. I can say fuck it to San Francisco, move to Thailand and be a writer. I can do anything I want, if I really want it, and for the first time in a long time I don't feel stuck. I'm scared to try to find a job in San Francisco, the economy is shit. I don't know how long it will take, and now, I'm seriously thinking of moving abroad and finding a writing job. I want to find something that is me, that is more adventurous, that will make me feel excited everyday to get up in the morning, instead of just working for the weekend.

Wow, I just went off on a tangent. I've just been thinking a lot about what this trip has done for me so far, and I'm only three weeks in. If I was in San Francisco, I would be doing the same shit. Working (or not, since I am jobless at the moment), going to Beauty Bar on a Saturday night , and just generally doing the same crap I have done every week for the past two years. Not that there's anything wrong with a routine; it's just nice to break out of it for a while. I'm a restless soul, It's a blessing and a curse--it's one of my weakest qualities but also the one that makes me adventurous.

Back to the boat trip. The first night was spent on the boat, where we had a massive party, full of bottles of Hanoi vodka, a seemingly endless supply of beer, random ipod music, and dancing, people hooking up left and right, all while under the star-light sky of Halong Bay. That was the first time in my life I've partied on a boat while being surrounded by breathtakingly beautiful views. It was a once in a lifetime experience and I loved every minute of it. After getting an hour of sleep I woke up, devoured some breakfast and we went kayaking for the day. Let me start by saying, I'm not a kayaker. I've been maybe once in my life in Mexico when I was seventeen on a booze cruise. Regardless, it was amazing. Being in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by Halong bay, going through caves, looking up and seeing thousands of rock formations sticking out from the serene water, covered in lush greenery, is something I will never forget. Now, I love kayaking, but I think this is as good as it gets. It's hard to even explain how beautiful this place is and photos don't do it justice. If it didn't take two hours to upload ten photos I would put some up to exemplify the sheer beauty of this place. Right now, I don't have the patience. That night we stayed in a hotel and spent another night at a bar partying with the group. Basically a lot of drinking which resulted in me getting three hours of sleep. Four hours of sleep in two days is not enough, let me tell you that. My body knows that too well. Regardless of what my body tells me, sometimes, often, I don't listen.

Since last night was Misty, Ally, and Emily's last night with us we got drunk ... again. Not the best idea as it ended somewhat dramatically with me on a motobike with a dude I met on the Halong bay trip, who I yelled " I hate you" at by the end of the night. I didn't mean it, I was just drunk and dramatic. (Story of my life.) After that, I went on a rant about how I hate all men (pretty typical of me as well), drunkenly told some poor Swiss dude that I thought all men are dicks and that I hated him, and went to bed drunk, angry and laughing because of the ridiculousness of myself. Pretty typical drunk Lena move--all of it. I need to stop saying hate. I really don't hate anyone or anything, I just like to be dramatic sometimes and people don't get it. Pretty typical. Pretty fucking typical. I won't go into detail, it's too much too expose right now, but I'm pretty sure I'm embarrassed today. Pretty sure, and I think I need a word with myself, a word with dude, and a word with my heart.

Denny is the only person keeping me sane, telling me I'm too emotional, that I need to stop thinking with my heart and with my head. Hella cheesy but it's true. If my head was to have a word with my heart, it would say, " Listen heart, stop it now. You are lying. Stop being flattered by every, little thing a hot guy says to you. It doesn't mean shit. It's a lie. Don't be fooled by that adorable accent. Think with you're fucking head for once in your life. You're on vacation. Vacation! Romance is important, but remember, you're on fucking vacation. You have to stop expecting shit. Actually, don't expect anything. You're here for two days, three days whatever. Stop taking everything so damn seriously, you are ridiculous. You are too romantic. Snap the FUCK out of it. Have fun, stop being a drunken mess and move on with your life. You can't trust everyone you meet. You can hardly trust anyone you meet, and why would you trust someone you've known for two days or three days or one day, or whatever. Learn you're lessons and move on. It's all part of the experience and you are learning from it. There you go heart, that's all I have to say to you. Please listen to me." I know it won't. It never does. I think it's just one of those things it needs to learn on it's own. For now, I'm traveling and so is my heart. It keeps bouncing around from place to place ... being fucking confused. Sorry heart ... I'm sorry.